Jubilee Monday #29 - Goin' On Record

Posted by Lisa Laree to Beer Lahai Roi

I've really, really thought about dreams this week. I spent some time on the carpet at the women's conference this past weekend trying to figure out what my dreams really are -- what is God calling me to do?

I considered some ministry that I am doing now and wondered if that was it. As in, 'Is that all there is?' I wondered if I should just settle into that spot and pursue God with it. I am enjoying it, but it feels like the 'back side of the desert' in a lot of ways. I don't think it's all there is. I may continue to do it for the next umpity-ump years, but it isn't the end goal. I don't think.

Because when I thought about just pouring myself into that place, something in me grieved. And I realized that THAT's how I could find the dream -- I had to look at that place to see what it was that didn't want to die.

And, lo and behold, there it was.

Maybe 15 or so years ago, a guest speaker spoke in the little denominational church we were part of at that time. He was someone who clearly had the gift of evangelism, and he led people to Jesus on his mail route, in parking lots and checkout lines...wherever he encountered them. He exhorted us to do likewise. And I felt disappointed in myself...not only because I didn't do that, but because I'd never asked God to allow me to do that. So I prayed, "Lord, stir up in me the desire to be an evangelist!" Shortly thereafter...maybe even that same week...as I was walking through the den, I heard in my spirit, 'Do not despise a teaching gift.' I wasn't even thinking of anything spiritual at the time, so that word surprised me. But I wasn't sure what to do with it.

But there was another little nudge way back there in the past, too. I can't remember when it was, whether it was one or two years before or after that word. But I do remember the specific spot in my bedroom where I suddenly had a very clear mental picture of speaking to a room full of ladies sitting around white table-clothed luncheon tables. It was so vivid that I immediately felt panicked. 'God!' I said, 'Who am I to speak to ladies?' Immediately I was referred to Genesis 3, when Moses used that same protest.

That turned into one of the first outlines to go on the computer as a possible message to those unknown ladies. I've collected several others, but, as is the way of things, when years passed and nothing whatsoever happened that looked like it was leading to that place, I quit outlining.

I suspected that the idea of teaching was a personal ambition thing, not a God dream at all. One I was afraid to pursue because, you know, if it was just me, it'd be a flop and a failure. But, because it was in me, I found myself making attempts anyway. Oh, they were small toe-in-the-water efforts...and most every attempt WAS very nearly a flop and a failure. Or greatly appreciated by all of about 6 people. I decided that that *couldn't* be my God dream.

But, when I wrestled with the idea of finding the dream, I kept coming back to that. There's something deep in my spirit that doesn't want to give it up. It was that place that mourned when I considered pouring myself into an alternative vision.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for church, I glanced in the mirror in the bathroom just before I left and saw myself holding a microphone. Teaching.

It shook me a bit, but I can't deny it.

I still have no idea how or when or where. But it's there. And it's not going away.