We had a big leadership conference a couple of weeks ago; I haven't blogged much because I'm still processing.
The conference followed a time of fasting and prayer. I'm not only processing from the conference, but from the week previous.
Been trying to figure out a way to describe what I'm working through and I really don't have any brilliant summaries. And it may not be applicable to anyone else.
But I kinda have a feeling that, until I work through what I've found in front of me here, my writing/blogging is going to be kinda, well, distracted?
Anyway.
Part of the mix was a shift in roles; as the data base admin, I've been the Person Responsible for Registration for the last couple of years. Just as we began gearing up for this, I got word that registration was moving over to the Events team.
Which makes tons of sense and was something of a relief. It was a little more abrupt than I had expected; I figured I'd use this conference to train the newbies and then let them handle the next event, but, no, it was 100% handed off with me just playing the role of consultant.
They didn't even need me to be part of the registration desk team at the conference.
Hold that thought for a minute while I backtrack.
We had several topics to ponder and pray through during the fast; one of the first topics was 'Awakening Passion'.
And, in the process of praying through 'Awakening Passion', I came to realize what my core passion is.
Truth.
Of all the things for a believer to be passionate about, Truth seems to me to be the most objectively cold and lacking in compassion. But it explained a lot. Why does it matter if the data entry is sloppy? Because it compromises the integrity - the truth- of the data base. Why do I feel an unction to teach? Because it's sharing truth. Why do I get all frustrated when movie-makers change the story the book author wrote? Because it doesn't tell the true story. Et cetera.
That's a far cry from the little girl who used to tell fantastic stories about things just to get some attention. Or maybe it's not...maybe the call-out I got on it in middle school was the thing that pushed me from 'tell it like I wish it was' to 'truth matters'. I don't know. But I do know that truth matters to me... a lot.
The next great revelation came on the day I was praying through 'Awakening Identity', in which I found myself asking the question 'What AM I afraid of? What's keeping me from living in my identity?' Of course, I thought it was failure...but, to my surprise I realized I'm not really afraid of failure. I'm afraid of disappointment. Afraid to get my hopes up. Afraid to dare to believe something...because I might get disappointed. And, if I'm honest, there was an 'again' at the end of that. I'll just be disappointed again. Failure in and of itself isn't what I cringe from...it's that 'disappointed again' that comes with it. Failure is me. I can try again. Disappointment...well, that comes from so much around me. It's connected to The Jinx Lie...that wanting and hoping for something is a sure way for it NOT to happen. That 'hope deferred' thing that makes the heart sick. And it may explain something of why I hate it so much if I disappoint someone or let someone down if they were counting on me.
So. I was going into the conference with those two revelations fresh in my spirit. And I had no assigned task. That's hard, for someone who tends to be performance-oriented. I wasn't needed in my usual spot and I didn't have another. There were folks on staff who were working their little tails off...just as I had done in previous conferences. One of my fellow staff members suggested I hang with her at her position and possibly learn how to do some of what she does...at first, I thought, 'ok, I can do that.' It would, of course, give me the feeling of being Useful and Needed, of Pulling My Weight. But about two days before the conference, in the fast and seek time, I clearly heard in my spirit, 'I have cleared your calendar for you. Now SIT DOWN.'
I hadn't heard anything that strongly or that clearly in quite some time. So I told my friend I would just be a regular peep for this conference. My Sweet Babboo being out of town for a professional conference, I sat by my older son for the first session on Thursday night though an awesome worship set led by David and Nicole Binion. At one point during that set, I had words that I just had to record, so I flipped to the back of my conference notepad and wrote, in the midst of the cry of my heart, 'God... you have set me up.' I was going to dare to be expectant...to risk disappointment.
The speaker of the evening, Jim Raley, began his message with a series of declarations that the congregation repeated after him. The first one was 'God, you have set me up.'
Alrighty, then.
What followed...well, you can click on the link and see.
So I'm trying to get out of myself and risk disappointment. And the first thing I have to do is finish what I've started. So I'm digging back into the online Master's degree; it's the home stretch and it is getting a little tougher. Taking some time.
And, in all honesty, I'm still pretty much in 'SIT DOWN' mode regarding anything else. Just waiting to see what 'double door' will open. I have a feeling it will be something I have not expected and couldn't have planned.
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