Here Be A Corner...

Posted by Lisa Laree to Beer Lahai Roi

This was the Women's Conference weekend.

You all know what state I was in heading into it...still trying to move through the transition process enough to get to the place where I could quit squalling about it at odd moments.

When the conference started, I wasn't there yet.

But God...

One session after the other pinpointed details of what I was dealing with.  I mean, PIN pointed.

Skewered.

 Down to the scriptures selected and the particulars of the situation and how I was feeling about it. Uncanny.

And I'm telling you, it was the ugly cry, y'all.  More than once.  My sinuses actually shut down at one point.

Fortunately, I suppose, I was sitting in the back so that my sometimes sobbing did not disturb anyone.

And I was frustrated.

I want to move forward...move past...get over...but it still hurt so much that touching it just brought out the waterworks.

At this point, it wasn't so much about what is past as it was feeling totally adrift...no direction or particular purpose.  Just not knowing how to proceed...or even if I had any credibility left after being such a mush about it.

I felt like I was working with an open wound...that was bandaged well enough to hold together when I was actually serving in a position, but that had to be redressed and dealt with in each service.  And it hurt.

The final message was brought by our only male speaker, Sean Smith.  And I'll admit when he gave us the scripture reference, 1 Samuel chapter 1, I was disappointed.  Hannah.  In about one minute, I figured I knew what he was going to say.

Um.  Not so much.

Oh, I suppose he DID say what I was expecting, but the context and presentation was such that, once again, it addressed EXACTLY where I was at that moment.

His conclusion was that, when all was said and done and Hannah had reached an intolerable place, '...she did the bravest thing she could do.  She got up and turned her crying into praying.'

I confess. When the ministry time started,  I pulled my leadership tag off and headed to one of my pastor friends, who has been one of the few people who has known the whole thing and been there for me since the beginning of it all, for prayer.

I ended up getting prayed for by three different ladies before I could get to her.  The first was because the response was so great that they called on all the ladies who were scheduled to serve in any area today to pray...and one of them was close to me and so she prayed for me.  She had no clue even who I was, but she prayed.  Then I grabbed one of my friends as she passed by  looking for ladies who needed prayer; she'd heard the whole thing from me in a long lunch  not long ago, so I asked her to pray.  After she finished, I saw that my pastor friend was available and I headed that way again, only to run into one other leader who asked me if everyone on that aisle had been prayed for.  I replied kinda sheepishly that I was heading up for prayer and hadn't looked.  So she prayed over me; I just told  her my request was 'Purpose'; she didn't really know the story, but she prayed.  When she finished, I saw that my pastor friend was back in front of her seat on the front row, and I made it to her and asked her to pray for purpose.  She knew...and she prayed.

In all honesty, the music was loud enough that I really didn't hear much of what any of them prayed. But that's ok...I was prayed for.

Sean's instruction...turn the crying into praying...is my takeaway message from the conference. And I think I can do that...even if I have to grit my teeth, curl my hands and bang on the floor, I can pray when the tears threaten.  Focus on the words that need to come out of my mouth instead of the hurt. 
But that last prayer session was something of a breakthrough.

1) I pulled off my leader badge.  My normal response would be to think 'I'm a leader, I'm needed to pray, so I'll pray for my needs at home but I'll pray for these ladies now'....sometimes ya gotta acknowledge your own need.

2) I didn't stop after the first lady prayed...or the second...or the third...In times past, I would've "settled" for the first prayer.  Not meaning any disrespect or that I didn't appreciate each of the ladies who prayed, but I knew I needed prayer from someone who really and truly knew both sides of the issue.  The other three were bonus.


This is transition.  It will pass.

As I told My Sweet Babboo later, I feel like I've turned a corner.

Or maybe been pulled around one.

But I have a strategy, and I have the prayers of my friends, and I do believe it has shifted.

Thank you, Jesus.  I'm ready.