Lights in Reserve

Guess what! No table time last night after all! The fellowship hall is being renovated, and, due to the mess, we didn't really get to set up the tables. So my little lesson on lamps will get saved for another month.

But that's not to say the evening was a wash out. We had a team of speakers --the wife halves of our associate pastor teams (Sr. Associate, Youth, Jr. High -- ok, Jenny's single -- and College and Career) and one seminary student last night that delivered a one-two-three-four-five punch combo. I knew I was in trouble when my eyes started to sting before the first speaker got three sentences into the introduction...and I couldn't even really say why. But by the time they were done I think I saw some of the things that were stirring up inside.

And it's stuff I've confronted somewhat...or at least seen...before. But I didn't have time to dig into it and, just because life is what it is, it got shoved back under the carpet and kind of forgotten about. Last night, the carpet got peeled back and I saw anew some of the mess I'd let slip out of sight and out of mind.

I tell ya, I'm really getting tired of this stuff. I'm tired of not being connected to others as I should be. I'm tired of carrying wounds just because I don't want to bother someone else with them. I'm tired of not allowing myself to dream. I'm tired of not having a direction or a goal beyond what must be done in the next week-month-two months.

I'm tired of holding other folks at an emotional arm's length for reasons I don't even understand.

It's pride, you know.

And I'm tired of my pride running my life.

There was a lot of dirt under the carpet. I don't want to let it slip back again.

So, I'm trying to be a little more pro-active in building relationships. I don't know why that's so difficult.

I have long-embedded thought patterns/expectations that need to change. God helping me, they will.