I finished the course....

 Posted by Lisa Laree to Beer Lahai Roi

I started this a month after the Desert Digging study.  I didn't know when I jumped into the desert that I'd join the first class and be doing some real coursework, with homework and everything, just about the whole time I was working on that study but I'm really glad that I did it.

So there were a bunch of folks around the photo booth yesterday and I didn't feel like jumping into the fray...but the banner was still up when I got to work at church this morning, so I took a lame selfie.

To, you know, commemorate the moment.

It was a struggle; not because the work was difficult.  It was a personal struggle.

And late last night I pulled out my journal and did a little listening and writing, to see if I could find out what had made it feel so...struggle-ish.

Now, there are two levels to the coursework...the 'educate' level is just for folks who want to increase their knowledge...to study for their own benefit.  the 'equip' level is for folks who want to actually go into ministry at some level, and includes extra course work and working with pastors in a sort of internship.   There were two tracks...Biblical Studies and Worship.

Since I did the online Master's degree a few years ago, I opted for the Educate level...and I did the Worship track.  Because, songwriting...

We started off with a bang; literally, there was a huge thunderstorm the night of our first meeting in Sept 2019.  But we met for an hour and a halfish general class (they called them 'core classes') and then split for an hour and a halfish of a class aimed at the track.  Two classes at a time, and the classes lasted 6 weeks.

It was awesome, y'all.  We had SUCH an amazing time in our worship classes.  Wednesday night became my favorite night of the week.

Then covid hit and everything went online.  The coursework was good...but the classroom dynamic was gone.  I really, really missed the interaction. The music theory classes were aimed at guitar/ piano players.  As a clarinet player, I got some of it, but the practical stuff of practicing chord progressions was out of my depth. But...songwriting...I need some theory.  Due to the stresses of covid resulting in folks dropping out, the small group of us that met by zoom weekly kinda fell apart...leaving me and one other educate worship student, who was juggling more on his plate than I could imagine.  I enjoyed our chats, but, again, the group dynamic was missing. 

I did the work...but kinda felt like I was off on my own.  And, to be absolutely transparent, it was lonely out there.

Now, in all honesty, this is not anyone's fault.  The plans were shifting constantly to try and keep up with the new normal of online, social distancing, etc.  The video and tech crews did AMAZING getting everything put together and available.

So...what was my struggle?

In the journaling...I realized that I was still doing it for recognition.  To impress someone.  And I felt the Father's rebuke...the only one I needed to do the work for was him.   It was supposed to be about our relationship.  And I had made it about achieving something and getting recognized for it.

Pretty shallow.

He reminded me again...all I need is to curl up on his lap and show him what I've done.  And he, being the loving Father, will tell me I've done well.  Because... he put me there; he had something to teach me, and anything I learn will please him.

It's hard, y'all, to give up getting approval from people.  But I think it's the secret to doing the real stuff.  Maybe someday I will Get It.