'Tigger' was my nickname back in high school. Won't go into how that came about, but it was appropriate. Tigger is a Sanguine, bouncing enthusiastically through life and occasionally bumping into others without intention or malice. Tigger didn't care a fig for anyone's opinion...in fact, it didn't even seem to occur to him that others would assign different motives to his actions than he meant. He is genuinely astonished when the other inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood (namely Rabbit, the Choleric, of course) insist that he has to give up his bouncing. He walks away, shoulders slumped, tail dragging, all joy gone...but not bouncing, as that is No Longer Allowed. It Offended the others.
Of course, all is well in the end; Roo can't stand to see Tigger so despondent and intercedes for him with the others, so that finally even Rabbit relents and agrees that Tigger can bounce. Rabbit even figures out what his big feet are for and begins to bounce a bit himself.
I have, in my past, an extended season of inadvertently bouncing into others. Dumbfounded, at times, that what I said/did would be interpreted as it was. I was judged and found wanting. People were hurt. It was my fault.
Slowly...or not so slowly...I began to be cautious of what I said. Worry about how my words or actions might be interpreted. It was self-imposed, but the bounce, over time, went away. I quit offering so much of myself, because, well, nobody wanted it and it didn't go over well and...why bother? Save myself and others the pain and just walk from place to place. Quietly.
And, you know, after a while that began to feel normal. Oh, every now and then something in me would rise up and want to go leaping off somewhere, but I'd give myself a stern talking-to about how I can't do that, people wouldn't understand, I'd get into or cause trouble...and, believe me, if I didn't get myself talked to in time, there are plenty of folks around me who don't miss a chance to point out that I have overstepped my boundaries; some of whom I care for very much, so their critique goes deep. Anyway, I'd have a good cry someplace when no one was looking and shake it off and settle back down.
But if you asked me, really asked, I might tell you that I didn't feel quite myself. I felt...confined. Restrained...and strained. I observed folks who had no trouble bouncing in their giftings; I tried to figure out what the fundamental flaw in my character or personality was that meant I was not one of those people.
I finally decided I just wasn't good enough. Or perceptive enough. Or compassionate enough. Or something. Or maybe I was too loud. Too pushy. Too impulsive. Or something.
The flaw was in me. Whatever it was, it was in me.
The world agreed.
And even though I knew it was a lie, I didn't want to be an offense to those around me. I might hurt them. Or mess something up. Better to just keep the status quo.
But, you know, God uses all kinds of things to bring truth into a life; even a truth that could be twisted around to mean something altogether different.
A couple of weeks ago, My Sweet Babboo and I finally saw 'The Greatest Showman'.
And when I came home, I looked around and found this video:
In the context of the movie, the song is powerful, but somehow the workshop version spoke to me on a whole 'nuther level.
Won't let them break me down to dust; I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious!
I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be....this is me.
I'm not afraid to be seen, I make no apologies...this is me.
I have watched that video over and over...Keala overcomes HER fear to sing it. And she is glorious.
Why have I let 'the world' , 'the others' even 'some whom I care about very much' convince me that I am flawed beyond use? That I must limit my creativity and expression to suit somebody else's expectations? That I have no real place? Or that my place is filling gaps and doing things that need doing but no one else wants to do?
Where did the creativity and expression that I have COME FROM, for goodness' sake?
I am back to John 5:44 - How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?
How can I believe if I let the fear of criticism or misunderstanding of others keep me from doing that which God has put in me to do?
This has been a long time coming, and I have some long-standing self-editing habits that are going to have to be rooted out and overturned and I really don't even know how to do it anymore...but it's time to start bouncing again.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
