Jubilee Monday # 38: Divine Wrecking Ball Requested

I need a healing.

While looking through Facebook albums last night of orphans in Moldova, new grandbabies and other significant events in the lives of my friends, I happened upon a photo of a happy event that totally shocked me by triggering a response that I wasn't expecting.

People would never celebrate with me like that.

It wasn't jealousy...it was grief. And I was blindsided by it.

No, it wasn't grief over a lost loved one or anything so understandable and quantifiable as that...as best as I can describe it, it was grief that I am me and not someone else.

Schoolground rejection, multiplied by small odd hurts in random events, capped off by a still-raw wound from three years ago when I threw a party to which no one came, suddenly dumped back on me. I looked hard at it...was I angry at the people involved? Did I need to forgive?

I don't think I was. I looked hard at myself and I found that in my core, I believe I am a flawed person, and so rather chalked those things up to a legitimate reaction to an inferior, annoying person instead of an offense. I also found that I now keep an emotional distance from people, that has been increasing over the years, I think as a guard against being vulnerable to more hurt. I have to acknowledge that I can't have wonderful friendships if I don't let people in past a certain point. I've looked with amazement at other people who can arrive at a place and glide into meaningful reciprocal relationships with others with seemingly no effort. I don't know how they do that.

They perceive doors as open...I perceive all doors as shut.

But...I've been doing it unconsciously for so long that I don't know how to NOT do that. I can't just do away with it by an act of will.

This is a thing that God must heal.

Because, you know, He may not call me to walk in the footsteps of a 'popular' person. Doors that others walk through may not be doors I'm meant to use.

I've thought of The Seventy...disciples that Jesus had who followed him, but were not part of the Twelve. They were chosen for their task...but their assignment did not include being as close to Jesus as others. How did they handle that? What determined who was included in the Twelve, and who was relegated to the Seventy? Maybe in my spirit I am too selfish to make the sacrifices necessary to be close to others? I'm avoiding the responsibility of close friendships?

I don't know. All I know at this point is that there are walls in my spirit and I've got to throw myself on God's mercy to break them.

Jubilee is a good time for wall breaking.