Pastor's sermon yesterday mentioned dreams that had died; dreams that have been given up on; dreams that were set aside as ridiculously unattainable.
He challenged us to believe God for those dreams.
It's great, only...
I've come to the conclusion that I didn't really have any dreams of destiny. Nothing that I felt God had spoken to my spirit as a direction or a vision for my life. I've been trying to figure out why.
I think it may be that I never dared to allow myself to dream. I don't know why that started, but I do know that I had very low expectations even when I was a child.
I remember one Christmas Eve when I was no more than 5 or 6. We came home from my Grandmother's and, for who knows what reason, the little black and white TV got turned on. There was a basketball game on, and dark uniforms and white uniforms were all I could tell about the two teams that played. For some reason, I decided I wanted one of those teams to win. I can't remember which one at this point, but I *do* remember thinking that I had to pretend, even in my thoughts, that I wanted the *other* team to win, because if "They" knew which team I wanted, "They" would see to it that the other team won.
I basically grew up denying wishes because I felt that to admit them would jinx them and I'd never see it.
Where did that come from? I have absolutely no idea.
Oh, there have been things that I dared to hope for...things like marrying my husband, having kids, etc.,...that came to pass. But somehow I've never shaken that feeling that wanting something was a sure way not to get it.
So I suppose it's no wonder that I don't have any big life dreams.
I think that, in a Jubilee year, it's time to get rid of that old junky stuff. It doesn't have any foundation in reality anyway; I don't know why it has kept me under such a rock all this time.
But it does mean that I have to learn to dare to dream. Be vulnerable.
That's risky.
But, 'without a vision, the people perish'...without a dream, the spirit shrivels. I don't want that.
So, now I need to go do some dream hunting ;)
GREAT post Lisa. I too have been struggling with dreaming lately. Not sure why...but I have. When I look back and read my journal as a teen/young adult...I was SUCH a dreamer....I could do anything...and WOULD...and I look at myself now and think....what in the world happened. Have I just settled? Why am I not dreaming and pursuing those dreams now? Are they just in the "dying" phase of the Christian walk? Was I so OFF in my dreaming that God wanted me to do something else? I don't know...I could ponder it forever. But....I am where you are....it is hard for me to dream right now...and I just plain don't like that because I am a "can do anything" type of person.... with that "nothing is going to stop me" kind of attitude. I need that back!!! Thanks for a great post! Maybe we can pray for each other as we dream hunt!! :)
ReplyDeleteI think part of it is the season of life; raising kids is it's own dream, in a way (and you've got a dream living with you!). I don't want to discount the homemaker dream...that part about marrying and having kids is a dream come true, but the backside of that dream is that the raising of those kids is not always the stuff dreams are made of!
ReplyDeleteHm. I need to make an note on this subject; there's potential here for another post one of these days....
Anyway, you're right! We need to support each other!