Hard Questions

When I was in high school, I was a total geek. Socially inept, I could get things done but not make tons of friends while I was doing it. Frequently I made enemies. Remembers the pom-pom squad the year I was drum major.... I didn't inspire people. (I am not discussing...at this point...whether or not any of that has changed... ;) ). And, I was in a church that really didn't subscribe to the notion of women as spiritual leaders.

But there were a few ladies that gave me examples of how to go after God in my life...one of them was my high school youth leader's wife, Jeannie. Jeannie was someone who served God, loved teens, and dispensed wisdom to raw young hearts.

She was even my 'Ideal Woman' pick for role model when I was in the Sunshine Society my freshman year of high school.

Shortly after I got married and moved to Alabama, Jeannie was diagnosed with cancer (I can't remember the variety at this point...it was a Really Long Time ago...). She fought the battle and I prayed for her and believed God for her from 400 miles away.

Praying for healing was a new idea to me...see, in the little dispensational congregation of my youth, healing wasn't something we believed for. Wisdom for doctors, yes. Strength and peace, yes. Divine miraculous healing? Um, well, if God wants to, sure, but we won't be so presumptuous as to ask for such a thing.

But as I grew I began to realize that, perhaps, God wanted us to ask for healing. A sermon series on Standing in the Gap gave me the courage to actually go before God and claim healing for my friend and mentor Jeannie.

I was devastated when she died in November of 1981.

The fact that there were a number of people -- including members of Jeannie's family that she had prayed for for years -- who made decisions to take Jesus as Lord at her funeral only superficially dressed the wound. I felt like God had let me down, ignored me, rejected me.

But, we were active in a church. I liked the people, and I didn't dare let them see what was really going on in my heart. I did a really good job of acting like someone who wasn't angry with God should act. For something like 2 years.

Then, one of the older ladies in the church (who was probably younger than I am now...groan...) organized a group to go to a weekend retreat. I was strongly encouraged to attend.

Trouble was, I didn't want to. I was a college student, with schoolwork deadlines and a tight budget. And I didn't want to face God. I didn't want to confront the fact that I was angry with Him. But, I also didn't want the ladies to think I was any less spiritual than they were. So I tried to pass the buck to my husband.

"Honey, these ladies want me to go to a retreat with them; I'll be gone for three days and I don't know when I'll do all the history reading I'll need to do then and, besides, it's going to cost $50...I don't have to go if you think it's a bad idea."

But he thought it was a good idea. So I was out of excuses and I went.

I date all my real spiritual growth from that weekend. God dealt with me and my anger...not necessarily anger that Jeannie had died, because how can any of us be offended when one of our brothers/sisters gets to go to Jesus? When they get to see what we only guess at? When they're outside of time, so that the separation is, to them, momentary? No, it wasn't bad for Jeannie to die...I was mad because God did not do what I demanded Him to do. Because I didn't understand.

What I learned in that weekend was a simple truth: God loves me, and I can trust Him.

Oh, there's so much more to say about not understanding what God does and doesn't do, but that is the basic truth to all of it.

Now there are hard questions in my corner of the world again. Not as close to me as Jeannie, but close enough. And closer to those around me who are asking the questions. We say God heals, but...how do you explain when He doesn't? Why He doesn't? Why pray for healing at all?

Because it's not just what happens at the end of the battle...it's how the battle is fought. Faith under fire demonstrates the reality of God in ways that cannot be shown any other way. Not loving their lives unto death is one of the weapons in the hands of the faithful...one of the weapons that will overcome the dragon. So that weapon must be used...which mean someone departs.

I'm not trying to give pat answers. These are hard questions, and I don't think we'll have the answers until we all get to heaven and see the end from the beginning ourselves. Or, rather, we'll see the One who sees the end from the beginning . Then we'll understand, better that we ever possibly could here.

But in the meantime...God loves us, and we can trust Him.